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I just thought I'd leave a post to let you know that I have a heavy workload with the Book at the moment so I wont be as easily contactable as usual. I have set myself personal targets that I wish to meet in the upcoming week or so. I shall still be around if there is anything urgent but I will most likely be available by phone as my computer is currently completly devoted to the book that we are writing.
I'm feeling better physically and starting to get more done; yet unfortunatly I shall probably keep getting sick throughout the whole of this year until my immune system can build to withstand these foreign germs.
I've been drinking British tea a lot recently - it relaxed me a lot more than any other, I don't find 'Ice tea' relaxing, although I do use the caffeine every morning to wake up; and it helps me focus and concentrate better. I can rarely operate without caffeine, at the very least it enhances the quality of my work.
Although it is early in the morning I am not relaxing as well as I usually do, I have been up watching TV and now I feel an urge to do more. I think that it is probably the desire to complete some more on the Book which is at the back of my mind right now, thus keeping me up. I have begun to focus on it a lot more now.
Sarah
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I have been undertaking the project of writing a book for months with the assistance of my co-author Thomas Corriher. Several other well educated individuals have offered to help with our edits. While autobiographical in its core, our book could be best categorized as a self-help book for victims of abuse, and also it is a reference guide for councillors working with such people. The book uses my experiences as an abuse victim to profile sociopathic abusers and the dance that they play with their co-dependent victims. It demonstrates that while abusers seek victims that likewise abuse victims are trained to seek out abusers. It is a pattern repeated throughout life-times. There is a class of victims when made aware of their unconscious drive toward abuse could break the cycle. When viewed as several case studies, this book will have more breadth of an individual's history than anything which came before it, as we are employing hypnosis to uncover details and causal factors which are from even early childhood. Many of the things which have been revealed to me in retrospect will be useful to those wishing to be free to finally understand what love really is. The book in no way assigns guilt to victims, but it does illuminate the reader about the role played and mistakes made by abuse victims.
We may periodically post excerpts from the book here on this blog. Use the "Book" link at the top of this entry to read all entries about the book, and excerpts from it.
You may also read all entries about the book by clicking HERE.
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Hey all,
I'm doing well today. Recently I have been working on my body clock, trying to get it into a reasonable zone. Since doing the successfully over the last few days I have begun to feel somewhat better. I feel more alive and awake all the time, I feel energetic and ambitious.
I have also been eating a little better. We eat better than the average household everyday anyhow, eating no MSG or artificial sweeteners. Recently we have also been eating no artificial preservatives or colours either, which has made us all fell better.
I'm taking some herbal medicines to try to get my circulation better anyhow, as I always have cold feet. It's really strange, they can be hot and sweating yet cold as ice.
Sarah
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| Recently we found ourselves with yet two more pets. Although we had no intention of taking on any more animals, these became an exeption. I first came across them freezing, in somebody's garage. The owners of the house had got fed up of the loud noises and inconveniences so had put them in the cold, out of the way. The birds were then offered to me, and despite not normally wanting birds, I was unable to refuse. Before long I was on the way back home with two white doves. Now they have a happy home in the living room, and they are handled and talked to regularly. They wake us early each morning with a very soothing sound and they are lovely. The male is rather nervous due to an incident in its' previous home but is gaining trust all the same. Sarah Click either image to view a larger version in a new browser window. |
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Hi there all,
I have been playing 'True Crime; New York' on the Xbox today which has been good. Haven't got a lot of things done today but that is okay, there is plenty of time and today everyone in the family has been relaxed and at peace.
My plants are growing and my sweetcorn seedlings are coming through, along with my onion. So far I am really pleased with their fast rate of growth.
Sarah
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Some of my plants have sprouted today. My Marigolds and my blue Morning Glory flowers have both sprouted. He he he. From now on we shall leave the grow light on. I think that the Miracle-gro (fertilizer) really sped up the process.
I am simply waiting for all my other plants now. We are thinking about going out and getting another table for the rest of the plants as we dont have a place to put them, we have so many. I have been a little obsessed recently.
Sarah
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Hiya!
I've been doing a lot of planting recently with herbs and flowers. I know that I am starting a little early but I grew impatient so all my plants are indoors and I'm just waiting on them now.
I went into the Domestic Violence and Rape Crisis Center again today, which was great. It's good to get out of the house. It helps to be able to just go somewhere and get out sometimes.
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I am making a slow but sure recovery from 'Strep throat', which sucked but I am feeling better now and I'm sure that by next week I will be back to normal. The only problem is that I will soon get sick again as my immune system still offers little immunity to these Germs.
Nothing really happening at the moment as I have been sick so have been holding back on the activies whilst I regain my health. I've got lots to do in all area's so I shall be glad to get on that.
I can't wait for the summer and the weather to change, I'm a little fed up of it being cold, although it would be worse if I were still back in England. I'm terrible with the weather; I'm never happy. It's always too hot or too cold.
Sarah
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The events with my father all started when I was a lot younger. I was living with my Aunt and Uncle at the time, which I have already spoken about earlier in this blog. My father was living in a 2 bedroom house with his girlfriend, of whom he had only just moved in with. From my recollection, it was only a year or two after my mother had died, so I would have been 7 or 8. I vaguely remember the different instances of molestation, with some clearer than others. My first memories were when me and my father would play 'Age of Empires' together on his PC in the dining room. I would either stand by his side or sit right next to him. During this time he would on several occasions have his hands down my pants.
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| Feigning Happiness: Our African Holiday |
Around a year after this; me and my Father were going to Salou in Spain, alone. Despite all other holidays before this were with his girlfriend, this one was just going to be us, and he only informed her of it after it was booked. We got a twin room, which was fine, and that meant getting two single beds.
From what I remember, there were no problems until the evening, when we set to go to sleep. The idea was that we would put the two beds together so that it would make a double bed, and sleep there like that. I never saw this as particularly strange at the time, and slept with him without an issue. In the night, as we were 'going to sleep' he again had his hands down my pants. At this point I was feeling uncomfortable; I remember rolling over in the hope that he would stop, but I didn't want to say anything because I thought that would be wrong. I didn't fully comprehend that I was receiving the same sort of thing with Gary at the time and I still wasn't old enough to understand right from wrong about sexual behavior.
I remember during this holiday that I wanted something (I can't remember what it was). It was probably something to do with the pool, but I do remember trying to bargain with my Dad about it. "What can I do to get it?" I said expectantly. I remember offering material things that I could do, and he said no. I finished and asked him what. He said "You can let me rub you, down your trousers". I blushed and told him that I didn't like it, so I didn't want him to. He backed down quickly and said okay. In seeing his disappointment, I felt like I had done the wrong thing, and finally agreed to what he had said. He refused, and I felt guilty, like I had disappointed him, so after that; I didn't say no anymore. I was too naive to realize that he was manipulating me with guilt games.
A few years later, my father and his girlfriend split up. He was given a week to move out. I don't know why they split up, and as far as I know, it was quite irrelevant to me. My father moved to live in a one-bedroom flat in a different city for a short time. I stayed there with him for several days every week. During this period, he didn't want to sleep on the couch, so he came to the conclusion that we should sleep in the same bed together. I had no problem with this, and he told me not to tell anyone, because they would 'think things', so I agreed not to say a word. I didn't.
After a 6 month period of him living in that flat (apartment) he found a house only up the road from his previous girlfriend, and he decided to buy it. After a lot of discussion with my Aunt and Uncle, and with my father, it was decided that I would go to live with him. I wanted to live with him, since he wasn't as strict, and Maria and Gary were going to move abroad in the long term anyhow. I did not want to move abroad with them: I was a 'nationalist'.
I was 13 when I went to live with my father, and at the time we got on well. Anybody looking at our relationship from the outside would have said that we were a close father and daughter, and that we were happy. This was more-or-less true. Yet, as I became older I couldn't look at my Dad the same way. When he didn't like my choice in boyfriends I didn't know whether it was him being protective or him being jealous. This was a thought that drove me crazy, and it made me afraid to think about it. I felt afraid, because at this point, I knew that that his behavior had been wrong. Yet I couldn't confront him whilst I lived in the same house, and I didn't have a way of emotionally letting it go.
At the age of 15, my father knew about what I still remembered. I wrote him a letter about it in anger, and I began to want to talk about it. At the time, I was with my boyfriend, Richard (spoken about elsewhere on this blog) and he was the one who I talked to about everything. Despite how bad Richard was, he did do some good things for me, especially early in our relationship. For one, he gave an outlet, someone who was there and someone who I could talk to.
When my father knew that I remembered the abuse, he began to start to try to ruin my name and my credibility. Everybody that I spoke to, or was close to, he would try to make alliances with. He would always tell them that I was a schizophrenic and a liar. Time and time again, I have heard this from the people who he has spoken to; whether that be the people that lived close by, or my Richard across the globe in the U.S.A. He would go on to tell them that I would end up becoming a street sweeper, whilst to others, he would tell them that I would become a prostitute dieing of a drug overdose. To some he would proclaim that he was 'not evil'. This spelled out exactly his intension - to save his own name. He would discredit me in order to make sure if I ever said anything about his abuse - nobody would believe me.
I began to notice that he looked at me in a different way that other fathers looked at their children, and it made me nervous. It made me feel sick, and I hoped that he wasn't still thinking about me in the way that he used to; yet inside I really knew that he was.
At 15, I realized that he would not stop until he had destroyed me, so I had to get away, and that is what I did. A month before my 16th birthday my tickets were booked. I was going to fly to the other side of the world to get away from him. It became my only hope, as I was under so much pressure and stress that I was being pushed to the suicidal point again and again. Whether this was intensional by him, or not, I do not know.
Despite leaving, I still didn't hate him. I have trouble hating people, and I never really found a reason enough to hate. I know that hate hurts the hater more than the hated. I disliked him for a lot of reasons, yet I still found a space for love. I agreed to keep in contact, and never really spelled out why I was leaving at the time, except to say that I needed to escape my past. The more others kept in contact with me, the more I realized that his slander of my name had gotten worse.
He had falsely accused me of stealing his money, and of being completely insane. Then he bragged that he would get doctors to declare me schizophrenic (as he did to destroy my mother), yet all his attempts to have me diagnosed as mentally ill have failed. They failed, because I am not the problem: he is. I am not schizophrenic, and the only person who would diagnose me with that is him. I do suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and he attempts to trigger PTSD attacks during every phone call by intentionally bringing-up Gary: hoping to trigger a nightmarish flashback. This is usually unsuccessful, but it still hurts.
I still loved my father and desperately wanted to cling to hope that there was some good inside him deep-down. It hurt because I didn't want to let go.
I'm coming out with this now, not out of spite, but out of defense. I wont stand back and let him lie about me without people knowing why. I'm not a coward, and I know that 'evil succeeds when good men do nothing'. I still don't hate anybody, but I won't let this madness continue.
He is trying to get me in trouble with the police, immigration, social services, etc, but I'm not doing anything wrong or illegal, and I'm not afraid of him anymore. This is not easy for me, but I know that doing the right thing isn't about taking the easy path, it's about taking the higher one.
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Nothing is really happening at the moment, I am still recovering from being sick. I am mid-writing the story of how life was in my old home in England, but it is just taking longer than I expected. There is a lot of information to go down, and so it might take a while, and with me feeling this sick; I just don't feel up to it.
I am going back to visit the people at Davie Domestic Violence and Rape Crisis Center next week as it should get me out of the house, and also, I will be giving them a hand - which will be good.
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I'm sick at the moment, along with the rest of the household. One of the people here has pneumonia, which really sucks. I have been light-headed, coughing some and suffering from something with symptoms very similar to Bronchitus. I guess my immune system is not used to these foreign bugs yet - I'll get there.
We have been having really bad weather recently and are expecting more to come, so if this blog goes offline it is probably just due to loss of power - don't worry! There is snow on the ground outside from last night and all area's nearby are also affected with this winter weather.
I received a call from my Dad the other day which wasn't good as I just don't care to talk to him, I don't want anything to do with him. He's not the man that people thought he was, and that is becoming common knowledge now. I hung up the phone - not out of spite - but simply because I don't have anything to say to him.
Large post coming soon involving the details of why I left home in England.
Sarah
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Hey People,
Today has been okay, not doing much. We went out to eat and had pizza, we then burnt some leaves that surrounded the house as their are way too many, it's crazy.
The dog is out on the zipline after knocking the trash over whilst we were out. She makes a great guard dog though, and barks whenever someone new comes to the house. She is still growing as she is only a baby, and she's really cute!
I need to get around to taking a picture of Strike (the hamster), as I keep meaning to do it but never do. You can expect it up within a day or two, if it's not then please leave a comment to remind me.
Cheers,
Sarah
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 | I am having a great day today. The sparring gear for our karate practice came, so we can now fight full contact without harming each other. I am sure we shall enjoy that. I may post more pictures later today. -- Sarah |
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I did my speech at the local high school yesterday and it went well. The response I received from both teachers and students was great and I was asked to return in the future. It really raised my spirits a lot and helped me to ignore my fathers' attempts to harass me. (I'll talk more about this later.)
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I am going to the local high school on Wednesday to deliver a speech about Domestic Violence, and I really find myself wondering what to say. You see, in politics it was easy to tell people what they wanted to hear; it simply about dynamics. It was about how it what delivered, how I was feeling and whether I was motivated enough to pass that on to others.
Right now it is different, it's about passing real personal experience on to others who are younger nthan me to tell them about what they don't already know, and to prepare them for the future. I'm going to have to spend some time thinking on it as I really don't know what to say. It will be an original experience, and I am scared because these are people that I have never associated with on close terms before, and I don't yet know what matters to them, but I know what matters in the future. I know that it matters that they are not abused or controlled, and that their opinions are valued. I know it matters that they have freedom and peace in their homes.
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