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My mother died when i was only 6 years old, as you know from an earlier post. What you do not know is that from then i went to live with my Aunt and Uncle, i was fine with this for a short while, then i found a dark side to my Uncle, a side which most people would describe as sick, and vile.
Gary,48 did things to me that i can never forget, no matter how hard i try. From when i was 8 years old up until when i was around 13 my Uncle tried different types of sexual abuse on me. This guy took my most important thing away - and that above all would be my childhood, I have never had the opportunity to be a child in my mind, as i have been forced by this man to grow up. He always wanted to look at me in the shower and stuff like that.
I cannot let this go, no matter how hard i try, it wont get off my case, it has destroyed my life inevitably, i think it is necessary for me to tell u this in order for you to understand my here and now posts. This is the main reason that i find it virtually impossible to trust a male, i hope that you can accept this and don't dismiss me.
liz
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Tonight, well, early this morning anyhow; i was talking to a close friend of mine that i normally get on with very well, tonight i actually had an argument with him, or maybe not an argument but a debate anyhow.
I argued with him on something that i know i was wrong on, but what he said was so true. I find it hard to pull up acceptance for that kind of thing, a guy who i knew well died in my arms 6 years ago, yet i try to avoid the subject, he said it would be easier to deal with if i let it out. Although i know it is true it is still just as hard to accept.
He also asked me "how many times do you think about suicide?", he said that i think about it a lot, this was not quite as true, at one era in my life, especially whilst living with my uncle i did consider suicide twice a day, over the last 2 years i haven't thought about it once.
Yet in the last 2 weeks i have had an immense amount of stress launched upon me, stress that i can't deal with, in which case, yes, i have thought about it, but not in a serious enough terminology to actually do it - i don't think. I sometimes find myself hard to understand, in fact i find myself hard to understand quite a lot of the time.
Liz
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Hello all, i was advised recently to start my own blog, i have so much on my mind and nowhere to release it, everything builds up inside of me to such an extent that i dont know where to move, i need somewhere to let myself out, my mother died when i was very young and so i have really brought myself up, developed my own characteristic. Some peole tell me that my mum dieing has made me a stronger person, i say that although i may act stronger i feel weaker, it is now a place that people can attack me for, pull me down for and leave me in a position where i cannot stand up again.
I have nobody who i can lean on when i need to, i speak older than i am, i was forced into growing up because of what happened to me when i was younger, i decided to open the blog to let my feelings out and release everything that is built up in my heart and mind.
I hope that you people out there allow me to do so.
Thanks
Liz
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I was 6 years old, when my mother tragically died, now i shall release what happened in detail.
I have 5 brother and 2 sisters, however only 4 of my brothers are related to my mother, i was living with these four when we were to go to my Aunt and Uncles for the weekend, it was meant as a nice break where we would be taken out to the cinema's and to generally have a good time. The weekend went well i guess, not that i can remember that part very well, as when we returned the door was locked.
My Aunt got her space key, opened the door and my mum wasn't there, we were curious, thought she may have lost track of time whilst out in town or something, so me and my brothers were told to collect something from the house that we wanted that would keep us occupied until we got a call from my mum. We left a note in the house asking my mum to call and she never did, never. My mum was missing for 2 weeks, it was on the news channels which i wasn't allowed to watch - i never knew why. My mum was eventually found in Castleton, she was dead, she was found on a hill as such, we were then told what had happened.
She had gone to that "hill" with a cushion and a blanket, she hadn't eaten, she went, she took a place to lie down, and she slept, then at one point she got up to walk, this may have been because she wanted the toilet - i shall never know, she must have been feeling faint due to her lack of food, she collapsed and fell down part of that "hill", left unconscious. The blood in her body froze, she died of hyperthermia. The courts would pass it as suicide though.
i still remember oh too well the last time i saw her, she gave me and brothers a hug, she said "i love you", and waved us goodbye, i wont forget the fake smile on her face as she waved from the doorway. I do know that in the last 6 or so weeks of her life she started going to church, was this to ask for help? or was it to ask god to let her go as she couldn't cope anymore?
liz
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Today i was told that i am a person of the wrong ideology in which case i should put a cover over all my beliefs, i should hide them from the general public as not to frighten them. As the public are afraid of what they do not know, although this is true, shouldn't i have the right to say whatever i want, void of political discrimination?
Worse than this, i was told this by one of my own supporters and friends, i found out that lies had been going on behind my back for the past 6 months, and nobody has had the guts/balls to tell me, it is almost as if i have done something wrong, which i know i haven't. All i have ever done is helped these people through the thick and thin, i have leafleted for them, encouraged them and aided them, given them advice and yet i am stabbed in the back.
Why? I find such a thing hard to accept and appreciate, i know that i should accept it but it does not make acceptance any easier knowing that.
Liz
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Well, today i was told to take a day to relax. I have been informed that I look tired and worn out, and faint. So I thought that I would take a day off politics, stay at home and enjoy myself. Well, I did try! I got out of bed at 1pm although i woke up at 10am, that was my start, I received 6 phone calls between 12 and 1pm, all on the basis of setting up a political youth organization for our district.
Then i did some "relaxing" on the computer, i typed to 2 articles for the young BNP, and wrote the text for the leaflet that was to be printed. I then i spoke to some people on MSN messenger, who happened to also be a BNP member. He nagged me about getting a website up and running. So I contacted the appropriate people and the website is now in the process of being built.
Having done that i got a phone call from a boy who wanted a license key to windows XP, of which i gave to him, and received about 4 phone calls in 10 minutes all about the same copy of XP that he didn't know how to install. He said that he needed it installed so that it would host all his political "stuff", so that he could try and help to sort the Young BNP in Yorkshire. In fact, I had already done this, but I appreciate his offers. By then it was later at night, so i came on the computer, argued with a few political activists about whether or not we should keep the leadership that we have or not, then, i spoke to a guy named "Richard" from America, expressed my problems to him and had a joke with him here and there.
I was supposed to be taking a day off today, but it doesn't feel like it.
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