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Well, I am glad that is over. The attitude of the people in that work place was beginning to heavily influence my own attitude, and not in a good way.
It was not a stressful job but the people that I was constantly surrounded by were always complete scum. I mean, they had no conscience and saw themselves as superior, always. It really disgusted me.
It has, infact, given me different pchoice of career, I certianly could not pursue Engish law after being around the people like that. I could not be in a profession where I have to hurt people every single day.
Sarah
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Everything is piling up, I have so much to do yet I feel so overwhelmed that I can't seem to work down it. It seems to be holding me back. Also, can I ask that whoever is next from this blog to come around to my house to not ask about my wellbeing with regards to Richard (you know who you are!), Thanks.
I feel so far away from home whilst sitting here, maybe subconsciously this does not feel like a home, as I don't look at it with safety like I should, like a haven.
I'll get there, and I'll move on.
Sarah
x
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I have been off my work experience sick today. I have been feeling terrible, I also suffer from symptoms identical to eneamia, yet my blood tests state otherwise so I have to wonder what is going on there.
I am generally happy today, I don't have anything really bad going on. I am sort of lonely but I am certainly not ready to enter a relationship. At the same time, I find it difficult to accept that someone can love me and care about me without wanting something back, especially of the opposite sex. I guess this is understandable due to my past.
I'll write more when I get back from work.
Sarah
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Jesus and a man were walking along a beach, looking back on the mans life. They watch the footprints along his life. 2 long rows of footprints are there. One row belongs to Jesus, the other belongs to the man. The footprints are side by side most of the way.
Then they come across a atage of sadness and depression and only 1 pair of footsteps remain. The man asks "Oh Lord, why did you leave me here?", Jesus replies "I didn't, I carried you".
Sarah
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I have been working for 13 hours today. I am tired and have a bad time of the month to deal with it.
Yet, despite this, I can't sleep. I am really emotional and sensitive yet I don't think about anything I say to others. It's crazy. If I had listened to the advice of others telling me to take a nap when I was tired and got back from work then perhaps I would be in a better position right now.
I spoke to my grandmother who completly blew me off. Her voice was hostile and I was just asking her how she was, and what she had been doing. She told me 'Well, this is hardly a likable situation, Sarah". I hadn't even brought up the case. In shock, I responded "You mean about Gary; well, I don't enjoy it either." She continually blamed me for splitting up the family, I took it all on and didn't attack at all. I just said "well, I guess it's a shame that the whole family can't be in agreement over it, as it would make things easier, but that's life".
Soon after I spoke to my youngest brother, Nick, who is 19. He broke my heart, the things he said really hurt. He told me that he would wait for a decision from the case before he makes his decision. I cant see it. I can't see this from another person's perspective, I can't see how they could not believe, or what 'decision' the have to make. No matter how hard I try to empathise or understand - it does not work on this topic.
My nerves have been so ripped up tonight that I have thrown up, that's crazy,and it's my fault. I mean, I need to learn to control that as I am losing myself. I feel like going for a run but it's pitch black outside and I believe that I have made better decisions than that in my life.
Goodnight Readers,
Sarah
x
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Did my first day of work experience today at Sheffield Crown Court, and gained access to all open and closed Sheffield court cases, which turned out to be very revealing.
Tomorrow I will be in court and will have to wear the big cape that they wear and the whole uniform thing - Joy! Of course, we must remember that this is for the Queen - doesn't that make you feel better?
I have to get up at 7am and I will finish working at 8pm so that will be a long day; I'm really not looking forward to it.
Sarah
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Richard passed away on the 1st September 2006, and I found out today. The cause of death is yet unknown. I stand firm that all I have said on this blog is truth and so will not be removed, as I believe that the truth about our situation can help other women and perhaps men, who are out there and in need of help.
A part of me is really sad that he is gone, and it feels strange to know that I wont get another harassing phone call, that he'll never break up with me again to gain power, but I will come to terms with that.
Right now my nerves are settling gradually, but I have lots of different emotions and contradicting thoughts going on, probably still due the fact that it is recent news.
I guess life goes on, and I know that I have God with me, and that makes me feel safe, happy, and warm inside.
Sarah
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Hiya,
I was babtized at 1:30 this afternoon. I actually really enjoyed it, and my minister is a really nice guy. They gacve me a candle(the light of christ) and some sort of certification to say that I have been baptized. (why would I need proof?)
Anyway, it was really nice and I am glad that I have done it. I have got a few things to do today before my work experience which is tomorrow, and I have some coursework to do throughout the week. Somehow I foresee that this coming week is going to be a busy one. Hell, maybe that will be a good thing?
Sarah
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I have got some 2 children here with me right now, one is 7 and the other is 11. Great kids when calm but the one who is 7 (Callum) suffers from ADHD, and he is now lovely and calm.
Callum is listening to '500 miles' by Proclaimers whilst playing on the PS2 quietly and the other (braydon) is watching the movie "Triple X" on DVD. I'm happy.
I love kids!
Sarah
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I have got a work experience placement next week, I'm not looking forward to it. I mean, it'll be a nice break from school but at the same time it will be very busy. I am doing work experience 9am -4pm and on Monday and Tuesday I am also working 5pm -8pm, so I will be exhausted by the end of the day.
I may advance on this later as I am going out to meet a friend.
Sarah
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It's incredible how some people can think, especially in their youth. It seems that I am hated by some people for who I once was, even though they are well aware that I am a different person now.
By other people I am hated for changing my opinions. I am 15 years old and I grew up a little, and understood things from a respectful point of view. I turned to Christ and away from politics. That's not something that I am ashamed of. I think that this group of people are those that I do not attend to try to make up with.
I also have another gang of half-caste peoples of whom seem to have developed a grudge against me, but not necessarily for politics. You see, as an individual that would be understandable but if not me it would be somebody else; they're just like that. They are the sort of people who give White people a reason to be 'racist'.
Sarah
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I prayed today that God would take away my physical and emotional scars that remain from my past. I prayed that he would help me to stop hurting those that I care about the most. It seems that I have a talent for doing that sometimes. Perhaps everyone can relate to this.
On a positive note, do any of my readers like the group 'Casting Crowns',I really enjoyed a song I downloaded from them the other day and so today I took it upon myself to download the album. The first song I heard was 'Who am I?'
The opening lyrics are;
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I....
It's a really sweet song. I think a lot of us feel unworthy sometimes.
Sarah
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Dear Lord,
I love you and welcome you to my heart. I acknowledge that you gave your son for me and others. However, I need your help right now. Regularly, I feel emotionally alone, so I ask for you to be by my side and to accompany me in my trials.
Bring out the best in me and allow me to positively impact those around me. Please warm their hearts and show them love and compassion. Allow me to use my gifts for the greater good in this world, and guide my ignorance.
Help me to show people Christ and let me speak your words of passion and hope. Allow me to be an inspiration. Grant me the words of wisdom and teach me responsibility.
You foresaw my past before I was born, please fill me with the answers to my curiosities and teach me to use my past to help others. Correct me when I make mistakes and forgive me when I repent.
Make me become whoever you want me to be and lead me away from temptations of evil. Fill my doubts with truth and my heart with love; allow me to spread your message throughout the world.
I do not wish to be famous or powerful, nor do material objects make me complete. Only your presence in my heart can fulfill that desire. Do not allow me to be misinterpreted and show me determination and patience. Give me a conscience and show me who has a heart willing to change.
Tell me when to be strong and even when those around me try to drag me down; allow me to remain your child always.
Amen
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I went out tonight to go and meet a few people with my father and sort out some things online that nobody else there has the ability to do. I went across and did that, at the other side of town. Following that, my father and the people who were with us decided to go out to sit down and have a chat in a bar somewhere. A few hours later, and everybody is drunk, including me. I left early as the situation was getting ridiculous. Don't get me wrong, there were a lot of things that I could have done differently, but didn't. I guess I'll just have to live with that. I am not heavily intoxicated, but that's not the point. I saw an ex-boyfriend there too, who tried to speak to me and explain that he wishes things had gone differently; although he intended to get back with me, I was not going to give him the time of day.
I feel like a failure in a lot of ways. I was speaking to someone last night who allowed something to sink in which perhaps should have gone in a long time ago. It was something along the lines of "You've done so many things in the past wrong, this is your chance to do something right...". I did the thing 'right' that he was referring to (Gary), but I can't do anything else right. I'm just going to keep on doing the 'wrong' thing and probably never be able to make it in the real world. I don't know.
All I know is that I will give it my best shot.
Sarah
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As a first year at Eckington school we were asked to write a horror poem, today I found the poem that I wrote. It is far from brilliant, afterall I was only 12, but I thought I might as well post it regardless.
Sarah
Horror Poem
All I heard was a faint screaming,
Which lurred me into such dreaming,
Without these I never would have dared,
It matters not whether I was scared.
I slowly drift off into distant land,
No longer making castles in sand,
But swirling down to the devils keep,
To a land where no mortal really sleeps.
Where flame and agony takes over,
None of nature's glory is there to help you over,
Just a hellhole to remind you of your bad ways,
A place where the devil will never forget your bad days.
Every bad deed is stored to these dreams,
A lifetime of misery so it seems,
I said so many things wrongly,
I did so many things wrongly.
Fire and flame surrounds me,
The devil moves towards me,
I am his next victim,
I deserve only to live as a victim.
Now I am tempted to stray,
From the path that leads this way,
I must die of my own accord,
After I have prayed to the lord.
Now that I am awake,
I must use the stake,
I can cope no longer,
As I fail to get stronger.
Suicide is my path,
'Tis thy only path,
Whether it be the coward way out,
But I fail to know another exit.
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